and all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away..

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 21:49:29 GMT

i love him ..

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 23:59:06 GMT

Well
school recently started and I didnt update lj all summer. I guess Ive just been entangled in other things. Senior year has really been just like any other, so far atleast. I have every class with kia which makes me happy but I miss manny terribly. Its a really horrible thing when people get other people kicked out of school. I still see him nearly every day but its just not the same. Some of my family from california is here for the week which makes me happy considering I dont see them too much throughout the year. Last month some friends of theirs were here with their kids. I havent been able to get one boy out of mind. He makes me smile. Sometimes distance, along with other factors just kill. And frankly, I really dont know what else to say on the matter except that nothing has changed. I think ive decided that i want to go to college in california and possibly live with my aunt in laguna beach, either there or san diego. I really think i need a change in my life.

<3 kristy

february 15th...

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 05:01:19 GMT

I dont exactly use lj anymore, or my computer for that matter. I guess Ive just been more reserved... Today however, I was looking through some bright eyes music and I came across a song entitled 'February 15th' and I though to myself... how strange...

here are the lyrics..

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait

Sullivan Ballou's Letter to his Wife

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 05:06:06 GMT

July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

Fri, 13 May 2005 01:27:29 GMT

i think everyone in the world should download matchbook romance; tiger lily
..just a suggestion.

Sun, 08 May 2005 12:46:41 GMT

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go...
i'll never let go.
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawl of you for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i... don't want to speak these words.
cause i, don't want to make things anyworse.

why does tonite, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 20:12:25 GMT

I miss my mom. She left to California because my uncle is in his last days.. I was hoping that I would get a chance to see him before he goes but it doesnt seem likely due to school and everything. My mom just left and I miss her already. Ive been away from her before but its been different; Ive been the one to leave somewhere, not her. Being in my house with just my brothers and my father is just weird. I miss her making me breakfast and coming into my room simply to ask me how my day was, and asking me if i want to go running with her, and running with her, and just having her around. I hope I dont sound ridiculous. All I could think about in school today is how when she gets back at the end of this week Im going to take her to lunch or something, just the two of us. Even though there were other things around me that one might think would get me down, they didnt. Ive learned to not let such petty things get to me. So many people spend their time worrying about things which in the end will not matter.. people which will not matter. We shouldnt dwell on what others think of us or how others want to hurt us.. if we do, then they win. We simply have to pray for these people, because in the end, theyre the ones who really need God to be active in their lives. Dwelling on such things doesnt make them go away, not dwelling on them does. There are always going to be bad people in the word. Most of the time, I cant tell the good from the bad. Im naive.. But Ive learned to put my energy on those who matter.. those who dont judge, and those who love me. I called my mom today simply to say "I love you." Now I know this doesnt sound like a big deal, but it is for me. I cant remember the last time I told her that. Its just never been my nature to do so. Its not something I say freely. Ive always repressed my feelings.. or maybe Ive just repressed my feelings to the people that I should express them to the most. My mom has always known that I love her. Maybe thats true love.. a love in which no words need to be said. A love in which the words " I love you" are never spoken.. a love that is understood. When I fall in love Im not going to say it.. hes going to know it. I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

<33 kristy

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 15:02:39 GMT

new sn: k r ii s t y xo
add it

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 21:52:27 GMT

"I just want that thing. You know, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and that person. And you realize that, that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this gift. And you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time..." - Never Been Kissed

thanks chanell

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 05:44:46 GMT

omaar's party was great; love you guys!

anyways, what a wonderful ending to a not so wonderful week.

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 20:32:10 GMT

I came to a realization this morning when i woke up. Nothing, and i do mean NOTHING hurts more than waking up from an amazing dream and coming to the realization that what was nearly yesterday a reality is nothing more than a dream today. NEVER have i felt such pain as i did upon waking up this morning and NEVER have i cried so profoundly. Up until today i thought i had found myself and that i had control. All the change in my life just seemed to melt away. Maybe even for a moment i didn't need you. I long now..
what is it that sets you free?

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:53:03 GMT

Tomorrow night I might be leaving to California for the rest of the week with my mom depending on flight availability; her uncle is dying from cancer and it's very possible that he might die while I'm over there. I havent stopped crying since my mom told me. I dont think my heart can take this.. not now. He and my cousins have lived in California since I was born, but there hasnt been a summer or spring break I havent spent with them. To think that when I leave there sunday is going to be the last time I see him devastates me. I hope he doesnt go while Im over there because I think Ill wish I was right there too.. I think beyond all, I wont be able to handle seeing my aunt. They've been married for over 40 years and not once have I seen them hang up the phone without saying "I love you" or not hold hands or not kiss.. It comforts me to know that a love so lasting does in fact exist. Perhaps it takes a lifetime to find that person but I refuse to believe that love does not exist. Sure, Ive had my share. But true love never dies. It surpasses all obstacles, regardless of the severity. From now until the day he leaves this world, my aunt will be by his side. She will love and honor him not only for the rest of his days, but for the rest of hers as well. Love knows not space or time. The person who loves you wont keep you up countless nights crying. Instead, they'll cry with you; they'll wipe your tears away. Ive never understood why at times life throws these amazing moments at us.. to only later have it all taken away. I no longer simply want to taste things. I was so certain that love was for fools until I heard my aunt today. She's scared but she's strong. She trusts.. In a way it satisfies me to know that a love that outlasts anything does exist. Even if I never experience it myself simply knowing that others have and that I can instill it in others to believe in it is enough for me. Regardless of everything, I still believe.. Noone knows how much time we have left in this world. Don't simply be the one walking by.. If you love someone then look them in the eyes and tell them. Dont simply let life pass you by.
Last week I woke up to find a letter from my mother. In it, was this prayer:

"Im only human. Help me believe in what I could be, and all that I am. Show me the stairway I have to climb. Lord, for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time. One day at a time; thats all I ask of you. Give me the strength to do every day, what I have to do. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never be mine. Lord help me today, show me the way, one day at a time. For my sake, teach me to take one day at a time;"

I'm the type of person who is constantly worrying about tomorrow.. so much sometimes that I forget to live for today. If we live continuously worrying about what will happen the next day, we wont be able to simply enjoy today. I hope my aunt if giving each day what it deserves, and not pondering on tomorrow. Live each day. There is a phrase that my father wrote as a memo in a book to someone dear to me once: "It's all a gift." To be honest, at first I didn't know what he was talking about. I disregarded it as nothing important. I couldn't of been more wrong. Every single day is a gift in itself. Me constantly worrying about the following day robbed me the gift of that day. I feel like I missed out on a lot. At times I wish I can go back to that exact moment which fails to leave my thoughts and simply say "Thank you for today. Regardless of what tomorrow may bring, thank you for today."

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 19:08:37 GMT

hey, i know i havent updated in a while. It's not that things haven't been going well for me or that I haven't had anything to write about; thats not the case at all. It's just that for once in my life I think Ive found peace.. not only with others, but within myself as well. Ive learned what it is to love and to be loved. I found my happiness. If this is my last entry for a while, then I guess you know why..
until next time...
kristy

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 02:12:38 GMT

I talked to her today.. for those of you who know who she is. I had heard so much about her for the past 4 months and I had created a certain image of her in my head. I felt that due to the certain circumstances I should call her and let her know exactly how I feel.. but I myself didnt exactly know how I felt. I think what bothered me the most was thinking that I was supposed to hate her when in fact I didnt. It seems that everyone would say these horrible things about her just because it was her; the main cause of my sorrow. People would make her out to be this cold hearted person which she is not. It may seem strange but I loved her in a way. Every night I would go to sleep praying to God for her never to have to feel what i felt, cry herself to sleep, or know what it is to be hurt so deeply. I always wanted to carry her far away and save her from all harm. Ive never wanted to be a hypocrite but I feel that lately I have been. I claim to have never wanted her to feel such pain but my own actions might have caused her to. Am I selfish or was I simply following my heart? Should I of thought of her first or happily taken back what was originally mine. After all.. she never took the time to think of how her actions might have effected me. If this is so, then why do I feel so guilty. Maybe its because I know what its like to be in her position... especially with him. So today I called her. In the middle of the conversation I started crying. I came to the realization that this girl that had been built up to be such a monster was actually a lot like me. I told her how I would pray for her and how much I cared for her. I told her I was sorry.. She told me I was lucky to find something so meaningful so early in life and perhaps in a way , I am. Im happy that I know how to love someone, because not everyone does. I hope she knows how much I do care for her and what a beautiful person she is. Thats all for now...
<33 kristy

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:45:10 GMT

I think that through this whole ordeal Ive learned alot about love and life. Ive learned what it is to love someone so deeply that only thoughts of that one person engulfs you. Never the less, I have learned what it is to lose that love and have expirienced a pain greater than I ever thought I would be subjected to. I think Ive grown as a person. What doesn't kill you, surely makes you stronger.Im so tired of listening to people who don't know me at all and claim they know what is best for me. A good friend of mine told me today "you can't live your life listening to what other people think or trying to satisfy everyone else's needs; live for you... because in the end, the only person that is going to have to live with the choices you've made is you." So from now on, Im going to give up on trying to please everyone. Im going to do, for once, what makes me happy and Im going to live my life the way I want to. Im going to follow my heart, where ever that may be. And if I were to fall again, atleast this time around I know I can get up all by myself. Sometimes we have to fall ten times before we can learn to get up and stand strong. There are some things that cant be taught by word of mouth. To learn is to live and vise-versa. People search all their lives for that one moment of true happiness with another. Love doesn't come easy, and my advice to all of you is that once you've found it, never let it go. Fight for that love and let it live within you forever. Please remember that it's never the end; true love always endures. No matter how hopeless life may seem, it always has a funny way of working out one way or another. What seems tragic now, may later prove to be glorious in one way or another. People arent perfect and people do make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and show those who we truely care for that we do. Forgiveness is powerful. Where would this world be if people were to hold grudges and have nothing but hate in their hearts? We also can't live our lives in fear of getting hurt by another. Pain is inevitable. You can't love without first knowing what pain is. Perhaps the best things in this world are appreciated only after times of tragedy. Live ans take chances; love wholly. Give your heart to someone and give it all to them. For if you don't, then you'll never know what could of been. Trust everyone, because for the ten people that will hurt you and back stab you, one person will make the difference and make it all worthwhile.

<33 kristy

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 03:51:49 GMT

I decided to start using lj again after not using it for a few months. I guess I just didnt feel the need to express myself for a while. I find myself being faced with questions I already know the answer to yet am not exactly ready to make them. Sometimes I wish I didnt have such a deep trust in people and didnt find it so easy to forgive. I live in this fantasy world where people are good and dont hurt eachother.. a world of all smiles and laughter. Yet thats all it is; a false reality i have created. The world isnt all smiles and laughter. People lie and cheat and hurt eachother. I've been feeling better lately and have found joy and comfort in new things and new people. I dont want to go back to the things and people that used to hurt me but I fear that its the road im taking. Im so tired of people who constantly go about their day hurting others. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who understands me and can prove me wrong; show me that not everyone lies and cheats and hurts people. As soon as I think Im there, I realize Im not and even further than I thought I was from finding anything worthwhile. I guess Im just wondering if anyone is ever going to meet me half way..

<33 kristy